2021 has been a mixed bag of sorts in many ways. I’ll call it a sweet and salty caramel. I’m not the hugest fan of caramel in general, but if they’re homemade, they can catch my attention.

2021 has had its share of heartbreak and hard moments, but all in all, I’d say that even though it was a fucker of a year, it was a good one because it has permitted my to learn and grow. And: I finally started to medically transition on July 8th, my divorced was pronounced in september and my name changed effective in december. All of those alone are huge steps and reasons to celebrate.

Not only am I a Professional Makeup Artist and continue to hone my skills, I also got back into university to do a Masters; I got out of an abusive marriage that had lasted for over two decades, and out of an relationship that became unhealthy after said marriage and started on a path to myself: healing, building myself up, back to my roots, and finding my way.

No, nothing is totally acquired – but I am on my way.

I learned to let go of one major crush I had been having in the back of my heart and head -this one for quite some time- , and there was a recent crush for whom I fell so hard. But both taught me important things, and beautiful things.

I thought that after all I had been through I was dead inside and incapable of those kind of feelings (none of which I had had like that in the short relationship after my marriage) and yet, there they were: those butterfly things, beautiful, fluttery, upliftling. And the beautiful thing was that instead of being made ashamed -as has happened so often in my life- I was just allowed to be, to exist, and to be myself, totally and completely, just the way I am. I was not and am not hoping or looking for a relationship to develop out of this (this: love enjoys seeing the other be well. wishes them well, and wishes their dreams to come true, and does not pose any kind of conditions or expects anything; rather, it just enjoys any minute, every hello, and every smile), but was so happy and grateful to see that indeed, it might be possible that there’s someone out there who could just accept and love me the way I am, totally and wholly. Someone who would not be afraid of me or a part of me, or simply see me as something interesting to fuck and nothing more. The openness, friendliness, kindness, laughter and care is refreshing, and not something I take for granted; a beautiful human being inside and outside. I am grateful for his friendship which means a lot to me.

The other crush I had I actually already had when I was still married – I’m ashamed to admit. Though I’m not sure if it was a crush or just a feeling of being irresistibly drawn to and admiring someone from the moment you first spot them and their bright light. But that’s not the point: it would not have been appropriate, and I am grateful for the beautiful person I had the priviledge of meeting; their kindness, caring, sound advice and uplifting presence at some moments was more than I could ever ask for. I learned about the importance of healing first and finding your way. Whatever it was, there I knew that I felt safe and understood. And that there was warmth and laughter amidst the seriousness.

These two men were in some way, two of my three pillars throughout this year.

The third is a fellow trans man who always stood by me as a friend and brother; someone without whom it would have been harsh to make through certain times, and who was the first with whom to share the good stuff, and who never failed to encourage me and be there: a brother, a brother in arms, a brother, bonds thicker than blood. Someone with whom to feel safe, no needs for words to be understood, and much room to just be, for feelings, for laughter and joy.

Disappointment and hurt, there was as well.
Being fetishized for different reasons (being ftm trans or intersex, and thus rather a sexualized object rather than a human being not just to be „tried out“, for race -being indigenous & afro-caribbean is exotic or whatever…) and experiencing racism and prejudice in places where you least expect it, even in your own community, has some heart-wrenching potential.

But all those are things that make me learn and grow, and also make me learn to say no and reinforce my boundaries, and get more conscious about what I want or not.

*_{It is impossible to mention and thank all the people who have made a positive impact on my life this year, but they are not forgotten. Only one person I still want to mention, and he knows who he is, for without him and his hospitality and encouragement I would not have engaged in my Master studies at university now. I am grateful to you all. Wado.}