I’ve been doing quite a bit of thinking after seeing, reading and listening to the posts of various indigenous content creators whom I respect a great deal.

I am an individual whose identity is comprised of so many parts -some of which are being intersex, trans and autistic-, and the search for my identity, roots, ancestors, and how to make a whole out of all those pieces has been something that has been with me my entire life. I have been told by the yt members of my family early on that I am yt only and to leave aside (imperative!) the BIPOC part of me. Yet it was clearly visible, growing up in a mostly all-yt village that I wasn’t and am not, thus getting called the n-word and else every day, and getting my ass whooped, beaten up with fists and belts and sticks from day one of school on… for the next ten years. I grew up in Germany.

From family stories to genealogy and DNA analysis, tracking and tracing my ancestry has taken quite a bit of time. What I wanted most was to know who I am, unify my being, honor my ancestors, and in some way, connect to a bigger whole instead of the disconnect I’ve always felt. It has always been a personal endeavor – but not one to gain any unrightful profit, or to lay claim on something where I have nothing to claim, and others struggle already far too much to have the basic neccessities to survive.

The thing where I was never sure however, was how to put it. Parts of my ancestry are pretty sure now, others stay vague, some I’ve always known more or less. Do I name them all? I did. And then again I didn’t. And then again, I did. And then again, I didn’t. All born out of the worry not to offend by naming ancestry when I should not because it isn’t sufficiently established; then again, not naming might be not acknowledging a possible link. Or better shut up and forget everything altogether?

I have decided to only name those that I know for sure, trying to find a way to circumscribe my ancestry so as to name and honor my ancestors without giving the impression I was an enrolled member of anything, or laying claim to anything. I am just a searcher for meaning and understanding. I certainly do not know, with regards to my indigenous heritage, what it means to live on the rez, to face a multitude of traumata in the faces of family members, to deal with all those various issues, fights and difficulties head-on. I can only relay and speak from my own experiences, but not those that others have lived – but I can raise awareness to some issues by pointing those who’d want to know to reliable sources. I do know however about the trauma of my grandparents who have grown up in the 3rd Reich, in WW2 Germany; I have experienced racism and ostracism, and was called the n-word and treated like a modern-day slave, abuse and rape are things that I know first-hand, as well as psychological and spiritual abuse and other discrimination.

So what do I know for sure? If it wasn’t for the resilience of my ancestors, which they passed on to me, I wouldn’t be here anymore. So what am I for sure?

I am of Ashkenazi Jewish descent (Germany, hailing from Odessa-Ukraine); itzy-bitzy Swiss mennonite from the Emmental; I am Caribbean (where I find sephardic Jewish, Black and Taino; the earliest traces go back to Borriken-Puerto Rico, across Kiskeya to Cuba, with the most living relatives in Cuba); and I am of Cherokee Freedman descent but I haven’t been able to completely pin down the exact ancestor on the Freedmen rolls, it will take more searching though I have made some advance.

The rest are too vague to have pinned something down – I am unable to properly identify in a Diné manner by naming my clans and who I am born to, which is why I will not list Diné anymore for now. But I can still appreciate Diné creators, the beauty of Diné culture and be grateful for the bit I have been allowed to learn from the ressources that are available. So much beauty! So much work and love put into it all – more power, more blessings to you!

I hope that I am handling this in a respectful and appropriate manner.